Are we all lost?

All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
— J. R. R. Tolkien

Since November my life as a mother and artist has changed greatly. I quit my day job to take care of both my daughter and my creative career. The latter hasn’t received as much attention as I hoped.

As it goes my artistic life is going through another drought. I seem to keep making good headway and then a monkey wrench is thrown in the works and I am forced to a standstill. I still haven’t figured out how to navigate these roadblocks.  I think part of it is I never get the ball fully rolling, before it stops. I just keep feeling lost.

The roadblock i’ve been struggling with for a decade now is a big one; what to paint? I feel lost in thinking that the art I make is fruitless and kitch. This ‘throw my hands in the air’ “WHAT’S THE POINT?!” attitude has kept me at bay for many years now. However, you pair that winding road with that of motherhood and *BAM* a perfect storm of whiteout proportions anyone could get lost in. Not only do I find it difficult to come up with my paintings, but the act of getting the time and energy to complete them is an epic task.

At times like these thoughts of quitting used to be the first thing that would come to my mind. Now that i’m past that stage, my first thoughts are “what?” or “how?”. Finding answers to these questions don’t leave me any less lost feeling though.

I’ve really started to embrace a more specific instagram community in the past few months, following moms who are entrepreneurs or business women (mostly catholic, I as a catholic appreciate how they tie their lives and decisions to their faith. Follow who inspires YOU). I thought that these women would have so many answers, but what I keep finding is the recurring theme, we (all of us moms who want to do it all) feel lost, A LOT. This is both a comforting and frustrating feeling. I just want answers, I just want to be told what to do. But, no one can tell you that, but you.

Remember, this is just the frost. You are still you. Your roots are still there. You can weather the storm and find your way.

We are entering into a period of thaw here in Vermont. For me, I’ll be ‘celebrating’ Lent, a time of waiting and thoughtfulness for us Catholics. Even if you don’t celebrate the same, think of this time between Mardi Gras and Easter as a time of thaw for your roots. Think of one thing that you can do for you, for your art, for your productivity for the satisfaction of your soul, and try to implement it. Spring is coming, and those warm days go fast. Spring and summer can fly by with no time for art or personal growth as we become more busy with our families and friends. Try, try, try to do something to work towards finding your path. No more thoughts of quitting, just thoughts of wandering and finding your way.

I know what I will be working on, my “what”. I’ve had some feasible ideas recently that I just need to get to courage to ask my friends to pose for, and then i’ll see if I can solve the “how’.

Happy creating.

— Monica

 

New Year, Still a Mother

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I rang in this new year sick with a sick child, so I didn’t get the jump start I wanted. It’s just another reminder that having children changes our plans. What I don’t subscribe to, is the thought that they change our plans for the worse.

Adding to this, I was also sick with a sick baby which wasn’t fun, but it does allow one extra time to think about things, like, “What would I like to accomplish this year, really?”

The tail end of 2018 brought some big changes for me. One, I quit my day job. For the first time in my adult life I am not working as a graphic designer [or insert any other basic profession here] to pay the bills. I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity to do this, but also, I feel very out of sorts. I have never not made money. My husband and I share our finances mentally (as in it is all ours collectively) but because of all our moves and different life status we have still mostly been operating with a “you pay yours and i’ll pay mine” actuality. So in other words, the money I spent, I paid for. Now, as I don’t have a day job, things will have to change. But there is one thing I don’t want to change, and that is making some money. This time with my art.

Another thing happened too, I participated in my first art show in years! I

lettucetakeastand_2018

“Lettuce take a stand.”

made a painting for the Swains miniature show. My piece called “Lettuce take a stand” was the first painting I have made expressly for the purpose of sale in at least two years. I am also happy to say that it sold! In addition to selling this piece I had two other much older pieces sell at the same gallery just a few months before this. For me, these were all small victories and reminders that I am doing what I should be doing. That this life of being a painter is not a figment of my imagination but an attainable goal, that I can set my eyes on realistically.

Speaking of being realistic, I also am still, happily, a mother. I feel like I have spent more time with this reality the end of this year than ever. This is my world. But I need to be not only a mother but personally fulfilled. I need to complete my mission. Glenn Close recently said it perfectly during her Golden Globes acceptance speech, “I feel what I’ve learned from this whole experience is that women, we’re nurturers, that’s what’s expected of us. We have our children. We have our husbands, if we’re lucky enough, or our partners, whoever. But we have to find personal fulfillment.”

This year I vow to make real strides in my workflow. I’m not going to shoot for too much, but I will figure out how to get as much done as possible while keeping my family life happy. This probably means a dirtier house and more instant food (thank goodness for Trader Joe’s!). But I must keep praying and working towards the mission I was given on this planet. I know this is who God has been preparing me to be, I just need to step up to the plate and take a swing at it.

So, I hope this year treats you all well and I hope that you have set and achieve some great things for yourselves. I wish you such great luck and I hope I can send some support and encouragement to you this year! Happy new year and happy painting!

– M